I'm ryan and i am a fresh 21 year old. If I make someone happy with a post, or a picture i've already completed my job and goal with this site. I aim to get a smile on anyone who comes to my site, i want to spread positivity and i want to give advice to people who need it. My ask is always open. I've been through a lot and i would like to help spread my knowledge. I live in new york and Yeah, im gay but you wont find me posting gaga notes all over. Just the occasional britney, mostly all of my photography, and ill note when its not. My goal in life is to show people the real magic of the world. Thats what i aim to capture in my photography. People forget when they grow up that magic IS real, you just have to know where to find it. I try to post Educational things, as well as the catchy pop song and the songs that really make you go wow, music is wonderful. I Guarantee you'll learn something new every day if you follow my blog, and who knows maybe I can help you be more positive, and happy and you can help me do the same. ___________________________________________
i visit your facebook from time to time just to see recent pictures of you. I think i’ve only met you eh .. roughly 4 times. They were always run ins, and when i do run into you, i play it off like a poker game. I dont think i show one ounce of interest other than showing my excitement of seeing a friendly face. I think im rather good at it, maybe i shouldnt be. Also, It was nice that our first run in, we acknowledged that we knew each other via the internet. Since a lot of times, and i’m guilty of doing it myself .. will see someone in real life that i’ve known via facebook or something for a while ..and i’ll pretend i dont know/recognize the person. I just get shy/awkward bc they’re just not what i imagined. I’ve known about you for perhaps maybe 2/3 years. I dont remember who added who on facebook originally. I like to pretend/think you added me first, which im pretty positive you did. You’re the only person in this world that my heart actually thumped when i first saw you. Not even did i feel that towards my exes. Its never quite happened before that it actually thumped towards a fellow homoSexXual on first sight. You posses all the qualities that i seek in a mate. Its very strange how much to a T. However you’re in a relationship. You’ve been in it, for like a long time too. I’ll never be able to tell you this but i just wanted to write it out, and just vent it. However thats just my life, always wanting what i cant have but in this case, its strictly because youre perfect, not because i cant have you. I also know for a fact i have a strange pull towards you as well. I can feel that for a fact when you see me as well. I know i have a pull bc u seem to follow my posts on things. I dont think you follow me on here though, which is i why im writing. However if you do, well then i wonder if you’ll know that im talking about you. That you actually even read this whole thing. If you are, then it concludes that i knew i had a pull on you as well. I think you’re the reason i dont fall for anyone bc if i felt what i felt on first sight with someone once, then i think its bound to happen again and i shouldnt settle for less. So whatever comes first i suppose. Either you magically somehow contact me thinking the same thing i am and we run away and live happily ever after together, bc i’d be a better boyfriend than whoever it is that holds your heart currently.. or i simply keep waiting for the other soul out there that can make my feel that energy that i think is essential. I think its because of this that im okay with being alone, and not care how long im alone for. Since i know what i know i have to feel in order for it to last, i dont mind searching for it. Its like i dont have to waste my time guessing and going on pointless dates when i know i dont feel it in my gut. I dont know.
I havent written in a while. To be honest, i think its because i’ve realized too many people i know follow my tumblr and i started to feel really weird about letting out my true thoughts from the depths of my mind. However, now i feel i havent been on it that much that it has died down. Perhaps the walls are back again. Or maybe i just need to make a new one that only i know. Or maybe i should just write my thoughts in my leather bound journal. If i actually was so concerned with people reading the depth thoughts, then i would just be writing them in my journal. Why do i then insist on just writing them online anyway .. Hm. Human nature is so funny. Ive been studying myself the past three weeks because my car had broken. The transmission of my car went. Or well, shall i say is going. It doesnt go in reverse anymore. Because of that, i only drive to and from work and no where else just in case it goes completely. I would just go and get a new car but i have to pay for it all myself. Since i have to do that, im going to save as much as i ca until i absolutely have to lay out the money for it. So, i have to save as much money as quick as possible. Ive been going on a “debt diet” to do this. I cut out, literally everything. Except for gas. Its so god damn difficult, you have no idea how hard it is to TRY to not spend money every day. Saving is literally, one of the most difficult tasks i have doing. However i will defeat it, and im already doing great. I just now today however, felt i am beginning to crack. I cant crack though, i need that new damn car. I wont lease it either, or borrow money from the bank. I just personally have come to the realization, i dont ever want to have to owe money. Also, leasing to me is cheap and fake and now real. I’m in the new belief of only getting what i myself can bring in. I think it will be much much smarter in the long run, i just have a feeling. Then i’ll just keep upgrading, and upgrading, like a video game. I just feel like in todays society, they have glammed up debt, and loans and such. How many students go in debt every day for school? How many take out debt for cars, and houses, and all this stuff. I think they have made it to feel okay to be loaning from banks and things. I may be crazy but I dont want to feel i owe something. I just think its there way of putting a leash on you, and my biggest concern for me in my life is to never feel in a cage, or on a leash. (Not including the bedroom) .. I like to feel free and in control of my own actions and growth in life, including successfulness. If that even makes sense .. Hm. Thats why it’s been bringing me great joy to make my necklaces, and have my collections come out. I feel so fufilled in doing that because i love to make my magical enchanted necklaces and share them with the world. It makes me feel connected, and complete because its all my own doings and ideas. Which gives me full control, and i like that. I dont know. I have to last 4 more hard weeks, and then i’ll be able to wean off on the full debt diet. I can do it. This is first world problems and i need to beat it. Its stilly. Oh well. My, that felt good.
One of the many thoughts that kill me the most is that I’m going to have to be attached to humans for at least the next 10 years. This meaning that even if i were to move out, i’d still have to get an apartment. The apartment being an apartment and having to be attached to other people. Not being able to blast my music whenever i please or have people over till when i want. Always being cautious of other human beings that are bound to get bitchy just to further inflict their ridiculous mood waves onto my life. I’m so sick of feeling caged up i can’t deal with it anymore. I’m sick of feeling watched and monitored. I don’t even know when i see an end in sight. I want my own little shack in the middle of an acre where no one can effect my life, just me in a shack with a lot of windows with a remote shutter when i want darkness. I can’t handle how many people are on this island. I also can’t handle even think about leaving it because i am a capricorn and i can’t even deal with change or starting over, especially without my friends. My friends are my family. My own family in this life was too busy getting torn apart and moved apart, so for that this state of mind and being is the result of that. Im sad today. I hate winter. I can’t explore, everything is dull, there is no green or plant life. Thank god its been a mild december and i swear that ground hog better see his shadow on february 2nd because i need spring to get here as fast as it can. I don’t know what i want in life, but i know how i want to live. To think that that is not good enough turns my stomach. I hate what this world has become with the ridiculous colleges and their prices and the stress they put on people i couldn’t even bare it. To think that because some human says thats the way it should be so it is makes me so angry. I have just the same amount of thought processes and i think thats NOT the way life should be. It should not be a rat race, it should not being going into debt for school for a CHANCE of it bettering your future. Everyone should just live and build their own houses and be happy. Not running in this ridiculous rat race with no finish because everyone just wants more anyway and no one will be content. i Dont know, now I’m just going off on a ramble. I have to escape and go do something that makes me happy because the energy in the air today is just cold and brutal and i can’t bare it another second.
to have suddenly have the feeling of emptiness wash over me. I actually dont really know why. I just got my christmas tree and put it in MY room with my best friend on a night of the full moon. I should be happy, but i feel actually kind of lonely. I realized i’ve put this tree up in my room .. and the only person that will ever really enjoy it is me. i would love to just be laying in bed with someone watching a movie with my tree glowing in the background. That would be ideal. that would be perfect. That would be living. However its just me and the tree. Forever me, and, the tree. hm
there is nothing on tv, no one interesting is around to talk to, i want attention and im so bored and lazy. I just needed to let that out bc i dont know what to do with myself. I guess i’ll go off on a tangent. I think im broken, i dont think im in the relationship mindset, i keep running from them. It’s either im running from them or i really just havent been wooed yet. It’s just been forever that i’ve been wooed i dont know what im waiting for/looking for. I’ve gotten okay with being alone. I’ve been alone for about a year and a half or so. I’ve grown so far from a relationship that I wonder if i’ll be able to do it without feeling like its foreign. I dont even know if that makes sense but i know what i mean so thats all that matters. I want a real thriving sexual connection with someone. I wonder what thats like. I havent really experienced it before and i wonder if i will. A honest match that knows just what to do in a semi aggressive way. Im just frustrated. Im getting really frightened with winter now upon us. I have no nature, no leaves, no warmth. Just dead skeletons of trees that are a shadow of their past months. Everything just turns grey. I think off all the past winters of my life and i can only see grey. 6 months of nothing to explore is very difficult on me. Especially if i’ll be single once again. I dont even want to get into valentines day …. i literally die. Thats only 3 months away but technically 2 bc december is like a blink. My birthdays coming up also this month. I dont even want it to come. Thinking about doing anything just stresses me out. I want to run away. That would be nice, to escape for a week to somewhere new and exciting but has the atmosphere that i would be able to flirt with people and not just be held back because everyone is straight. I wonder what its like. Thats my biggest wonder. What its like to be straight and to just automatically assume if its an opposite sex you have a chance. The amount of the more possibility, it boggles me. If i could go up to any guy and just assume hes attracted to my sex naturally … Thats the biggest pain of being gay, to me anyway. Forever question before actually knowing. However then theres the thought that if its really my true love well then ill just know regardless and it wont matter. Idk :: rolls eyes :: .. But there is a future, thats one thing thats guaranteed. Whether it be in this realm or the next theres always a next period and thats refreshing. This winter could be amazing. Something could very well happen. Thats what spark in life is most exciting to me. I never REALLY know what will happen. It is fun though when i have my dreams that end up coming true. I havent had one in a while. Well, i think my last one is that my friend noelle got really good grades this semester at her college regardless of her slacking off. I guess ill find out in a month when she tells me. Then i can just giggle to myself if its true or not. Oh well. That was a nice rant. I feel like i can go on though. Well, i could but it will only be negative stuff and i dont really want to fuel anymore power to that. I also dont really have anything to gloat about right now otherwise id write about that to give that power so that more of that happens. Once again it makes sense to me .. Bye bye
There’s a lot in my head right now. I want my nose to be used as a faucet to release all of these thoughts and emotions and wash them out. All of my life people always leave me. I never leave. I always remain. Im sick of it. I want to leave for once, I want to be missed for once. I want to be the thing someone waits forever for. Im done waiting, i cant do it anymore. Im worked to the bone with emotions and waiting. Just when i thought I had an escape, a plan .. it gets removed. Just when i thought i had the potential for some magic, and something real again it aparates away from me. I feel like im completely worn out. I feel like i’ve been used when someone was just bored. Thats usually the case. Im digressing. BUt im not dwelling on it, im just numb basically. I want to cry but nothing ever comes out. i keep wishing for change and i get so close, then no cigar. All i can do though is just keep fighting and keep being strong. Its so difficult though. That ditch of self pity just looks so comfortable and i want to lay down in it. Even if its just for a brief moment. Oh well.
Im accepted to the school that i think would fit me the most. However, i feel its too expensive and that the amount of debt i would be in is not worth it. However then i would be stuck in suburbia wasting myself. I would be in a black cocoon and wont be able to escape. Or maybe it would not be so bad to look at other alternatives and take another semester off. I dont want to, i cant do that. I have everything that i want right now, but is the cost too much for it.
… How good of a job could i really end up getting? I dont even know what job i even want. Just a field that i barely know anything about. However for some reason i just have a gut feeling to go. I should just escape this will be my only chance. However is 100K in debt worth it. Maybe i’ll get a lot from financial aid. However could it even be that much to make a big difference? I dont know. I’m so confused. Im at such a crossroads. I feel a little defeated. Sigh. I just feel i need to be in the city if i wanted to do anything or find anything substancial, and thats the risk that i think is worth to take. I feel it would be a better opportunity. Oh i dont know. Sigh.
… I havent written anything on here in quite a while. Its in part due to lack of motivation, and partly due to the fact i feel that more people i know visit my tumblr and i feel more closed off rather than sharing every thought the way i used to. I’ve steered off course with this tumblr. I feel a rush of inspiration coming through me though, so perhaps i’ll start getting more into it again and answer more of peoples advice. People have sent me paragraphs upon paragraph of advice questions and i think i just got overwhelmed and gave up for a bit ( my apologies ).
….. What have i been up to lately? Well I’ve been mentally preparing myself for moving into the city because i got into the school i wanted to and will be dorming. The fact that i’ll be having a roomate is really giving me grief because … i dont think i’ll be able to do it with a smile on my face. HOWEVER im trying to keep as positive about it as possible. Maybe i’ll be lucky. Maybe we’ll be best friends. Or maybe it will be an annoying gay that will make me want to scratch a chalk board. I dont know. I’ve seem to be getting everything that i need so i’m going to keep going with that thought process. It will work out.
…… Love Life? Non existent. I had a little taste of it in the beginning of the summer. I think that fizzled out though. It served a great purpose though. Ive never felt more emotionally cleansed in my life. Ive never felt like this. Im usually OBSESSING over love or why someone doesnt like me, or getting over an ex or what not. However right now .. i feel like i have a clean slate. Its weird. I’d go more into it but i fear someone might read this and i really dont feel like dealing with that. All i know is .. my ex got me over this person. Then this person got me over my ex. It has come full circle and i just feel .. clear. Im taking things with grains of salt lately. Im literally going with the flow, i rarely stress about anything anymore .. things are going to happen regardless. I just have to remain truthful to people. Which i have been, and hope all of you do as well.
………Besides all of that i’m pretty happy i suppose. A little lonely, but that will change within the weeks for sure. Regaurdless, i hope all of you have been doing wonderfully and anyone that i had given advice too i really hope you’re all doing beautifully because life is too short to not live beautifully. We’re young, thats the most coveted thing in the world and we have it .. youth. So dont waste it by not being happy. Thats silly. =) I’ll write again soon. Thats just the short abridged version of an update from me .. Im going to get back into tumblr!
My time limits two months and it will be done, my summer goal.
…. Its funny, the ups and downs that life throws at you. I was probably the happiest i have ever been about 2 weeks ago. However Summer has gone back to a halt. Im also getting nervous about school and college coming up. I did get accepted to the school i wanted, the school i put all my eggs into. Im nervous to go into the city. Its just so not me. People frighten me. I like keeping to myself and i like hiding out. i cant do that once i move. Im nervous my alone time will be disturbed and there will go my mental health again. Im feeling lonely for the first time in awhile ( like over a month, thats a while for me) .. i want something substancial. I want the little things. I want the security of having someone. I want to be wanted. I want to make someone proud that i’m theirs. Dont get me wrong, im very content and almost even happy right now. I just want the ones that are closest to me back around again. Change always throws me into a loop. I was on cloud 9 not too long ago for a good amount of time. It almost felt surreal how good everything was going. I guess i just kind of platou. Also, I dont want to be someone side dish, i want to be the main course for once. Oh life. Oh future. I’ve seen the worst of worst and the best of best these past few months. So i know everything changes. Now everything needs to start settling instead of being so scattered. Not only is my future scattered but so are the people closest to me right now. They are throughout the world. Well, heres to the future. X+
I tried, i gave it my all. Some things just dont work out. I need to accept that. I think i’ve just been on the go all my life that i never have anything solid to hold on to thats really mine. I guess thats why im hard to open up, and then when i do finally open up, i expect it to be real. Then when its not, its a real heart break and shame. Especially when people cant just be blunt with me. I respect that so much in people, if they can just be blunt. Perhaps i did get manipulated in the end. I wouldnt be the first person. Some people are just cruel like that, and always will spin it around on you. You can only just pity those types of people. Its sad really. I may be really lonely, but at least im not trying to force something. I spilled my heart and soul again, and it didnt work out. It never really works out, but that feeling of spilling it out feels wonderful. Even if you’re swatted down, the fact that you at least tried is an amazing act and experience in its own. Who wants to live a lie? If you feel that it should be something more, take the risk. Dont just stand there. Im lonely now, but it wont be forever and one day ill open up again, and it will be wonderful. Someone who really appreciates me. Someone who loves to hold my hand. Someone who loves that im theirs as much as i love that their mine. Someone normal in a very weird way, and someone that doesnt take life too seriously but more seriously than me to even it out. I’ll find my prince. I will.
… Okay so besides my little pity party before im feeling a whole lot better. I woke up from my nap to my best friend calling me to tell me my OTHER best friend is coming home tonight until june 15 so i get more time with her then i thought!!!! .. also .. my other best friend is coming home tomorrow and she texted me saying how much she loves inside out and i dont know why that made me so happy.
… The fact i have like NO hours next week is fine because you know what .. my best friends are all home next week so i get to spend as much time with them as i CAN. So theres a positive. I also have to stop being oh poor me poor me being gay in a land thats not .. oh well i’ll be fine. So theres my update.
Today was a much better day than yesterday, yesterday was absolutely horrendous. To top yesterdays ridiculous bad vibes i ended up running out of gas on my way home from work. That sucked. Luckily my dad however had some gas left over from the lawn mower and i was only a couple a blocks away from home so he came to a quick rescue. Today i spent it with my best friend and it was wonderful and the weather could have been a little less cloudy but it still had its good points. Starting it off seeing my mom and dropping her off at work due to her car getting inspected was perfect. She’s the only person that has the vibes to make me feel happy again and to not worry so much about my issues and that everything will be okay. She put it this way, that i’m a balloon thats at the point of sailing away to bigger things, or at the point of popping. That statement couldnt be any more true. I can either excel right now, or i can either pop and explode. I really fucking hope i get a new job asap, thats really really bothering me and getting under my skin deep. I just still feel off. I dont know why. I dont feel whole these past few days. Like a chunk of me has been taken out and i dont understand why, nothing has caused me to feel this way .. i just do. Im waiting for something to come my way. To be honest tho i think its just my lack fo sexual things. My sex drive to a normal person is about 150% compared to normal. Im pretty celibate bc A) i can only unleash my full sexual lioness if im in love and b) i dont want diseases and c) there isnt even anyone to do anything with. I suppose im sexually frustrated. I”m sure a good fuck would fill me up fine. Oh well, thats life tho to be honest. Something must and will come my way. It always does i know it does. Just deep breaths and calm down. Today was a nice day and im going to hold onto that, it isnt even over yet.
I feel im falling into a slump of sorts again. I’ve spent so much time and brain power to dig me out of one, and now i find myself falling into another one. I thought i had felt excitement and contentness for a little while .. but now that thick dense fog of loneliness is starting to roll over my head again and suffocate me. I completely despise my job and i really hope and want more than anything to have this slight crack in a door to work out so that i can work at the apple store. You have no idea how much that would over thrill me universe so please, please let that happen. I need a change desperately. I also want to be acknowledged in real life. I want to be found special. This dawned on me as it rained heavily today and all i wanted to do was sleep bc there was no reason for me to be awake. Its now a quarter to 4 and im finally deciding its necessary to wake up and get ready for work at 6. It’s sad you know. The only reason i was remotely content and perhaps even happy was bc of britneys new cd coming out the beginning of the year. However the power of her songs and the newness are starting to ware on me and im getting immuned again and that excitement of it all is gone. I doubt any of my friends will actually be around this summer so im not even acknowledging that yet. I dont even want to give it thought to give it power over me so whatever will be will be i suppose it’s w.e. It will just be more determination to actually develop new friends. I can do it easily … its just me actually wanting new friends is the issue. Im not an easy person to let someone in and want them to stay in. I guess im just sad lately. But im a Phoenix. I may be burning by the flame right now but i always rise again .. ive felt worse burns so this is just a little spark burn right now that ill get over in a few weeks or months time. I just know its an issue when not even the thought of nice weather can make me feel better. Who Knows
Just one of those nights. Plus, i hate Major Holidays after the year of a relationship because you can so easily bring back the events and conversation that happened on that day and it’s just a head full. Then you’re like get the fuck out of my thoughts why am i even thinking about it .. and then that just opens more doors and then its like a flood gate and needs to just run its course. Last easter was pretty tragic bc I saw my ex sending HIS ex a stupid picture of himself with bunny ears.. an ex that was psychotic and crazy and would use anything as an excuse to cling onto him. The thing with catching your other talking to an ex is that it makes you or them feel EXTREMELY self conscious and insecure. After that its like oh shit now i feel like i need to be on the look out. It was all just stupid fun but honestly it hurt and caused a huge fight. Im sorry if you’re in a relationship just dont fucking talk to your ex there is NO reason to. And if it really is TRULY one of those exes that you’re just better off as friends, then dont even mention that you ever dated .. just play it off cool. I just dont get why people are so stupid sometimes. I guess im just feeling pretty lonely again these last few days. I could really enjoy having someone worth my time have a conversation with me in real life .. just so that i could stare at them and fantasize about a future .. instead of just usinng my own imagination. This probably doesnt even make sense i just feel like rambling. Buh Bye